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I first read this meme on Molly’s Daily Kiss, but it seems to have been doing the rounds for a little while. I may not (definitely won’t!) only take a month to get through the list, but hopefully I will eventually get through it.

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch?  What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

 

I identified as a switch when I first got interested in BDSM, which would have been in my early-mid teens. In my first serious relationship I played both roles, although more frequently submissive. In later relationships, I have played the dominant role much more frequently.

I would say that I adapt based on my partner, which I think is true of a lot of women. I know that I personally have made many more adjustments to my sexual habits than most men I know, and certainly most men I have been with.

At the moment, maybe because of insecurity, I am favouring a dominant role. I am able to exert control in this small way, to build up my self-esteem and confidence, and to also please others while I am doing this. Of course, this need to please others is problematic for me. I have a leash on it for the time being, but I am concerned that I will loosen it just that little too much. I don’t want to be in another situation where my feelings for a person override my own happiness. It’s delicately balanced; but that’s a discussion for another post.

To me, BDSM is about the power play. Being bound up doesn’t appeal to me, although I use it with others as a means to an end. I must admit to being something of a sadist as well. I enjoy causing pain to see a person’s reaction. I am happy to have an outlet for that, because otherwise I fear it would bleed over into everyday life.

When I domme, I expect respect. Sometimes the play is about forcing that respect from my partner; physically or mentally breaking them down until they submit to me. At other times, I expect it to be there already, and to have a sweet session in which my authority is respected and adored.

When I submit, I’d have to say that being disrespected gets me off. Not feeling worthless, exactly; but my buttons being pushed, being provoked. I can be a very bratty sub, and might even switch it up and end up on top, if I can get there. Power play is excellent fun and even during ‘vanilla’ sessions, it comes into it for me.

So, I suppose you could say that the D of Domination and the S of Sadism are the most important parts, for me. To define them?

To dominate, if I speak in behavioural terms, is to gain primary access to resources, to choose the best parts of something and leave the leftovers to the rest of the pack. To dominate a specific someone, I will toy with their best parts, and denigrate the rest. I will be amused by their successes and punish their failings. But dominance is reinforced by attitude, not always by physical force; and so mental domination is an important part of the fun for me.

Sadism has two sides of it, for me. The side tied to domination, where pain is applied as punishment to encourage better behaviour; and the other side, sadism for its own sake, where pain is given purely for the reaction it extracts. That is the purest and most beautiful form, I think. And I’m not only talking about physical pain, though a proper hard caning has its merits; mental or emotional humiliation is a form of sadism too, and one I greatly enjoy. There is nothing more beautiful than a boy drooling uncontrollably through the ring gag in his mouth, cheeks stained with tears, and I delight in telling him how beautiful he is when in such a position.