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Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy?  How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

 

I’m not an expert in relationships by any means, but there are certain common-sense elements to keeping any relationship vital that I feel are worth discussing.

I think the most important thing in keeping any relationship healthy is honesty, and this goes doubly for BDSM relationships. Open discourse is incredibly important when exploring new forms of play. It’s crucial even when you’ve settled comfortably into a routine with certain things. You may be tied down once a week and run through a set experience; spanking, then penetration, then orgasm, for example. But if something goes wrong or it doesn’t feel good for whatever reason, the relationship needs to be open enough for this to be voiced.

This is something I struggled with in my last relationship, and my inability to voice my frustration led to a lot of resentment. Inevitably, our relationship fell apart, because neither of us was feeling complete. It was disappointing because as a couple, we were very good: we made each other laugh, even when we were angry; we had similar life goals; and we had similar values regarding family, politics, and so on.

For the most part, I think a BDSM relationship should be treated like any other. It’s important to check in with your partner periodically. My parents do this in a nice way, sitting down every afternoon to have a coffee together. They make time even if that will be the only time together for the whole day. I’ve always admired the way that my parents negotiate their marriage. There are arguments and disagreements sometimes, as there are always between passionate people. But there are more moments of quiet love and closeness. It’s sweet.

Another thing to add to the ‘important things’ list would be self-reflection. I think it’s absolutely crucial to always be examing and evaluating after you play, and having a debrief if you like. It also helps to reflect on things you might be interested to explore, or things you’d rather not. If there is an open and inviting space in the relationship to bring up these sorts of ideas, it goes a long way to keeping partners happy, healthy and satisfied.